I started this blog out of desperation. I was feeling really shitty about life and very lonely. I have often found solace in my writing and thought that once again this may be the case. This time I had not the devotion or motivation to maintain a consistent flushing of my mind onto these pages. Things haven't changed entirely for me. I still find myself unsatisfied with my current situation, and hating my current location (purely symptomatic I'm sure). There are good things that have come about. I find myself more open to romantic relationships since my falling out with my former "friends." And my dog is great company. Though I wish I had more patience with him sometimes. I regret when I get testy with him, or frustrated, and it usually turns out it was because I didn't understand what the problem was, needing to go to the bathroom, or something of that nature. But I digress, back to feelings. I don't feel as though I have any strong friendships. The people who I find myself acquaintance's with I do not feel as though they are here for me. When we talk. I don't talk. I don't get questions, so I don't feel compelled to just share information. But then I am categorized as having a mind that is a "mental trap" that no one can penetrate. I don't feel that this is true, or fair. In order to be a steel trap, or walled up, wouldn't I have to be unwilling to share, unwilling to sit down and have deep conversations? The only truth to any of this that I can see is that I am selective in who I talk to, and by talk I mean delve into the deep stuff not your run of the mill how was your weekend frosting on some crappy cupcake. It seems to come down to more of a trust issue. I don't allow everyone into my life, and rightly so. But then I get lonely, and then commented on and then I start to question myself, as this shows. But in writing I can see that all I need is to relax and trust myself. I have good instincts, allow them to work, and they will. My two major intincts currently require a change in location, and asking someone out. The girl is someone who the first time I met, I decided she was someone I would not want to date. I was attracted to her, but I made a judgement. A judgement that I still feel had some accuracy, but needs to be challenged. I did not leave enough room for gray areas. Nothing in life is black and white, including (or especially) women. Now California. I have dreamed of going to California for many years now. Since the brewing days of my hormonal rush. Unfortunately I have yet to follow through on this dream. College is coming to an end, and soon I will find myself released into the world with a new era of opportunity available with my drive. We'll see what happens. First I need to finish this semester, and ask Stacy out. What good is to write if no one reads?