Is this just a way to cry out for help without crying out for help? A task without vulnerabilities, anonymity, that protects me from what I fear? I ask myself, "What is it that I want?" I have to think for a minute. At first I find myself wanting to jump with answers. I want to say the opposite of what it is that I believe is leading to me feeling this way. Which would be to have close friends again. But I think it is something deeper than that, but still involving relationships. Because I wasn't happy with my previous friends to just have friends again would be no different that where I was. Leading me to the same conclusion, most likely, as last time. I want a degree of intimacy and trust within my friends. I want to know that they'll be there through it all. I want to know that I can count on them no matter what they are going through, or I am going through. That when I am going through something they will sit me down, or whatever position, and say, "Hey something's going on with you. Whats up?" I find myself thinking that these are the qualities I want in a friend. And I find myself hating my current position. What the fuck direction will I end up!!!??? I just want to feel better, and for the first time in years I had the urge to get drunk. This scared me. I wanted to get so drunk I didn't care anymore. This is not good! That is the begining to a problem, if I give in. Avoidance is bad enough, but to complicate things with alcohol abuse will only amplify my problems. When you feel depressed and then you take a depressant drug, they effects are additive. Just a whole lot of depression. I need to focus on doing things that feel good. No more video games which just distract me from reality. Ahhagh fjkghrqk;l jgores'uqaj;pijhp'foiakjsb.nbqaigjpgjsk;afjblkfsjb


GOING TO BED