Trials and Tribulations

So the journey continues. I'm working in Teton Village for the winter. I'm really excited about my new job. The peope i work with are really great!! I'm working with people again which I really missed in my old position. As far as personal stuff goes I'm doing pretty well. I had been feeling pretty down, but I think I was just putting way to much pressure on myself, a habit I am inclined to shake. I realized today that I have achieved a group of goals that I had set over the past 4-5 years. I wrote about it this morning so I'm just going to paste that in:
"As I started to get more heavily into writing and filmmaking I found myself frustrated that I was living life in the words that I was writing, and not actually living. I felt like I was trying to create a reality on pages and wasn’t living. I wanted to change that and I pursued having a life again. A life that involved relationships which meant feeling the highs, and the hurt. I wanted to have friends and have the experiences of those friends, including all the things that come with friendships.

I’m beginning to realize that I am reaching these goals. Most importantly I’ve been able to put my heart on the line and survive despite not being reciprocated. I want to take these experiences, and achievements and put them into my writing. But more importantly I want to find a balance between living, writing, and filmmaking.

My problem had been anxiety. I was putting so much into having to be successful; aI wasn’t really writing for me. I was writing just to try and be what I thought other people would want. In retrospect my social life was in desperate shape when I got into film. I tried to use film as a means to meet more people and make friends. The less success I had the harder I worked. The harder I worked the farther away from people I moved, removed from society and gripped by my own self pity. I want to get back into filmmaking and writing, but I need a balance.

I need to experience the process. I need to be open to how it feels, and more importantly I need to be able to sit and feel it, and be ok with feeling every aspect of the emotional gamut."

Through all my experiences of the past year I definitely feel like I am in a better place. Emotionally, physcially, and creatively. And as I write this I find myself excited for the future, a truly great feeling.

The one problem I'd really like to work on is maintaining perspective. I find myself getting caught up in aspects of life that just don't warrant that much attention or worry. I guess it's a matter of relaxing and letting life happen, letting it unfold in front of me. But as I said maintaining awareness to just let life happen and experience it as it happens.