Wow it's been a while since i wrote in here. It seems that I keep forgetting about this for about a month, and then I start writing again. I've come pretty far in just a month. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, and unhappy in my current situation. After Joan's services I felt different. It made me question the perspective I had been using for the past couple of months, and question the validity of it. I come out on the other side of it feeling much better. I also started rock climbing again, which was great. I hadn't been able to go in so long. It was one of those things that I did with my old friends, but if they had proposed to do what I am doing now I don't think I would have been down with it. I am currently climbing on Sunday and Friday nights, and occasionally once during the week. We go late at night, and had this been my previous friends I would have been very resistant to the idea. I used to treasure not going out late sooo much. But I think it was more so not going out and drinking late. When I'm out late climbing I don't feel any guilt the next day. It's great, I feel good. Even sleeping 2-9 I don't feel so crappy the next day like i normally do. I also met this girl, well she's not really a girl, she's a woman. No name though... It's a blog anyone can read it, and i'd prefer anonymity right now. But anyway I digress. I met this woman, and she's really cool. We seem to have a lot in common. I enjoy talking to her, and I have a lot of fun hanging out with her. It feels like its been going a little too fast for me lately. I kinda feel like my head is spinning a little bit. I think i'm placing to much weight on myself also. This whole getting older crap needs to be dropped. I just need to relax and enjoy the time I'm spending here.

In the past when I've dated when the relationship happens really fast, and I find myself up to my neck with it within two weeks, it's toooo much for me. I end up getting out of it even faster than i got into it. This is what happened with my most recent ex-girlfriend.

LOL i'm neurotic. I'll explain. I get nervous. All this babbling on is just a farse for what I am really feeling. I like this woman. I like her. The problem I have is that I don't necessarily know what a healthy progression is. I spoke to my friend earlier about it. She gave me some excellent advice. Stuff like," Most people have trouble with this part of relationships. It's normal. She's probably having it to." It being a little neurosis about being wanted, accepted, liked... It's weird cause i'm not someone who would be described as lacking in confidence, or self-esteem. But no one is spared when it comes to matters of the heart. We tend to keep that place locked up tight. Like a sad self protection, becuase when you lock stuff out, you also lock stuff in. What good is a heart that just sits in a locked room. Just sitting there, on some old worn wool blanket with holes from the years of starving mice and inmates nibbling at it for some hope of nourishment. The bed hanging from the walls by the two old rusty chains at each end. THe matress consisting of no more than one inch springs surrounded by plastic, like thoe shitty mats they give you at sleep away camp when you are a little kid. Or the thicker version that youget in dorms in college, the piss, vomit, and sex juice proof models. But is it so weird to fear a relationship not working out?

Well i guess i need to disect why i want it to work out. The answer lays within that question. Why would i fear it not working? First lets tackle fear. Dictionary.com defines fear as a few different things but ironically enough, " A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear." That was the actual definition. And it speaks volumes. I would have to say that this is related to my fear. That somehow when I'm alone, it says that something is wrong with me. That i am some social misfit because i'm not dating anyone. I know this isn't true. But that doesn't mean it doens't have an effect. But now i know it's an irrational fear. It's a fear that I am trying to resolved with something that does not actually address the problem. Let's say for arguments sake that this works out. Because I have a girlfriend social acceptability does not change. I do not metamorphisis into some other creature that is any different than any other. The only thing that would change would be my perception of myself...

Ok i just need to pull my head out of my ass... Stop being neurotic. Look at how other people are doing. My friends in Iraq, the Iraqi people, afghani's that really puts things in persepctive....